Grieving and Trusting My instincts

 

I want to talk you guys about more then just poetry but my own truths. My own thoughts. I'm a college student who down another semester but it been very hard lately for me. You see I'm the person who suppose to always have it together and I know it shouldn't be like that and yet the people in my life don't seem to get that. I recently have lost my great grandmother who was a joy in my life. This past week I have lost a great uncle and I was in total disbelief. Me and my great Uncle were close and he always made me laugh. People don't seem to get it but I'm allowed to feel. They don't seem to get how what they do and say can and will hurt me. 

I lately had to cut off a best friend. Why? Because I'm sick and tired of not feeling like a priority and being thrown excuse after excuse on why they can never be there and why they can't be truthful and how you can only prioritize romance partners. I don't want to be the third wheel. I'm sick of sitting through everyone's situations (friend wise) but the minute I'm in trouble no one's there. I don't think people get how painful that truly feels. I'm a forgiving person but I'm so sick of giving chance after chance after chance and I'm supposed to be able to grow with you not keep making the same mistakes over and over again so I think it's fair that I find people that align with those types of views. I don't want to be stuck in a cycle of hurt and pain. My poem Teaching Me My Nature made it into a magazine and I was so excited because that was first time I submitted my work to a magazine. Yet when it came time to attend the release party of the magazine only one person was there and that person was my father. Where were my friends? One was in class and another told me they would come and never did. 

That friend that never show up was always out with his boyfriend though while also claiming to be sick and in truth he could have been sick but he often told me he was sick and often didn't show up to certain things and could not tell me why or he just couldn't make it but no explanations and I was sick and tired of no explanation because I would always explain myself on why I couldn't be somewhere but it was never because I couldn't or I chose not to be there I literally had prior engagements or other obligation but at least I thoroughly explain those.

All in all. I've been grieving and kicking people out of my life. In my personal life and off my social media because you are what you are around and if I'm around fake people, people are going to make snap judgments about me being fake and I don't play that. I'm very honest with myself and I need people who are going to be honest with themselves too and willing to see the whole pictures and not just what they want to see because I'm a whole picture type of person. you can live in the corner but that's you it's not me and I can't force you to come out of the shadows but it don't mean you're going to stay in my picture.