Never Chase But Attract (poem)

 Never Chase But Attract

Why is it? Why do I ask myself

if I’ve ever truly felt like I was enough?

One minute I swear I’m on top of the world,

Got the push I need, the degree I want,

A future so bright, a story to share.

And then… it all just shrinks away.

Because sometimes, I look in the mirror,

And I whisper, “Is this your dream you’re really living?

Or the dream you say you want,

because you’re scared someone else will tell you

that your real dreams aren’t worth it?”

I can convince myself I have everything I need

in a person – the push-back, the challenge,

that fire I think I need to keep going.

But I’ve been so fiercely independent my whole life.

I’ve never been the one to chase.

I attract. So what exactly is happening right now?

He acts like a gentleman,

but then sometimes, he thinks with the wrong head.

Is it me? Or did I just miss a few lessons

on how to date in this generation?

Then again, I’ve never been one for the 21st century’s way of doing things.

And that saddens me, you know?

Because unfortunately, that’s the modern world I live in.

All I’ve ever wanted is someone to just understand me,

to truly get to know me.

And yeah, I’m busy. I’m working.

I will make time, but my business, my life,

it’s always going to be first.

Because for the last five years of my life,

I’ve had to support myself. No one was helping with that.

Every now and then, maybe a gesture was thrown in

to keep me going, to keep me afloat.

But all the heavy lifting? All the hard work?

Completely on my own.

College isn’t cheap. Scholarships and grants

don’t just fall from the sky.

I’m doing all that, while also trying to keep a roof over my head and my mouth fed.

All I ask for is bluntness and honesty.

To be honest, and for real love.

I’m not a rush-into-the-intimacy type of woman.

I’m not against intimacy; the thought of actually being loved,

being hugged, being cuddled… it soothes me, truly.

But going all the way? That has always truly frightened me.

Because of the things I’ve endured.

Because of the boundaries that people keep going pass.

The trying to force me into positions I’m not ready to be in.

You would think to any normal person,

that would make them truly sick once you hear what I’ve endured.

And yet, I’m still kind.

I unfortunately know what it’s like to be on the dark side, and I don’t want to go back.

It’s hard when all you want is love and security,

and the only one giving it to you is yourself.

While many others will walk up to you and say

they can offer the same things,

they can make you better, just trust them.

But nothing is ever handed to you on a silver platter.

Don’t always trust what people are handing out.

Just because the candy is sweet doesn’t mean it’s not poison.

Just because it’s dressed up in a suit,

acts like it knows what it’s talking about,

doesn’t make it a scientist.

This isn’t Halloween or April Fool’s. This is my reality. My life.

And I am no one’s fool. I will not chase.

I will not beg for you to stay, for you to be here, for you to love me.

And I certainly, most likely, don’t need you to tell me what I need,

or that my relationships lack intimacy because I’m of a certain age.

Because I haven’t chosen to endure in an act that’s gotten

most of the people I know pregnant with more than five kids

before the age of 24. Yeah. No thanks. I’ll pass.

I won’t chase you.

And I’m not begging anyone to chase me, or to love me.

Hate me if you want to, to be honest.

But if you’re going to love me, you’re going to love me on my terms.

And in love, yeah, there are compromises.

But compromises start with two people. It takes two to tango.

And if one person isn’t dancing well,

the show doesn’t stop for one monkey, does it?

There’s a reason why there are understudies and backup dancers.

There are always replacements and options, and different paths to take.

Don’t let anyone else tell you truly any differently.

You’re not allowed to choose what you want.

You do not chase. You attract.

And no one else is to tell you any differently.

I will not chase you. If I have to chase you, you weren't meant for me in the first place and I would rather wait and attract what’s meant for me then belittle myself to a low standing to stand beside someone who was not worthy of me.